WHY MEN ON DATING APPS JUST WANT SEX.

The definitive explanation on why they go from “Hey” to dick pic in 60 seconds.

Welcome to Dating App Disappointment. You wanted:  The apple-picking, the cooking of romantic dinners together, movie nights filled with cuddling. Weekend antiquing, maybe. Or perhaps the occasional hug to tell you everything is okay.

He just wants: to bone you.

As a single woman, you started swiping with dreams of romance. (Maybe even Hallmark Channel-type takes on how a relationship might start and how it should grow.) The dating world in general hasn’t been able to deliver.

Whether it’s Bumble, Hinge, Match or Christian Mingle, the signal can come in 30 seconds or 30 days. The gross language, the innuendo, even the suggestion that your first date be on his lap (tonight.)

It’s no secret: He’s just after sex. And now you’re going to find out why. In detail. From a guy.

(Warning: We men aren’t looking for sympathy here. And if you’re looking for a mea culpa this isn’t the article for you. But from the male POV, these are hard truths, wrapped neatly in a bow, just for you.)

I’ve been on almost every dating app at some point, and on more dates than I can count. I’ve been successful on them, usually gotten what I was looking for, and had several rewarding, successful LTRs as a result. (And I’m currently very happy in a wonderful, rewarding relationship of almost a year. And yes, I’ve been forward in my time, but no, never sent a dick pic.)

Before we look at all the reasons you’ll read here, we have to accept a core reason  about mature, single men in online dating (also known as “OLD”.)

A Fundamental Truth About Men

You will not understand the whys of men’s approach in OLD until you accept this:  Men get hurt. They’ve been slighted, slammed, disappointed and dumped in the same way you have. They have as much trepidation about finding someone as you do.

Get that image of the gruff, horse-riding Marlboro Man out of your head. That guy on the other side of the dating app pic has feelings. He’s been married, or attached, and probably been put through the same brand of hell you have. Maybe he’s endured his share of nagging, verbal abuse, or was cheated on.  (No knock on women, but we all know they’re capable of being just as evil as men.) Maybe his ex struggled with addiction. If he’s divorced, chances are his life went from a nice home with family to… sitting alone with no money in a small, crappy rented basement with garage sale furniture and dollar store necessities.

More often the case than not, his journey through Singledom has been fraught with constant rejection. He’s a man, and the odds in the dating world are usually not in his favor, while women tend to be in more demand.

While life is not easy for you, the statistical probability is that you’re better off than he is. You’re likely enjoying the trappings of career, kids, the house, the support of many girlfriends, and maybe a bevy of dating options. You likely walked away from life as a couple with more than he did.

This is the reality of most of the men on dating apps and maybe the most important thing to remember. But men have a different way of rebuilding themselves. The key here is, they just don’t have the same resources to do so that women do often do. They need to resort to other forms of support and relationships aren’t always the answer.

So that man in your Facebook Dating feed does that silly thing of expecting you to spread your legs after the first Hello. Maybe these reasons will give you insight as to why. (And remember, these all start with a fundamental truth.)

 

Why He Just Wants to Jump to Sex

• Sexuality is all he’s got. His entire life is shot to hell, and he wants relief. That single man is lonely. There is no marriage anymore. No house. No daily hugs from the kids. He’s waking up alone, in bed alone, and eating alone, with no one to vent to when he gets home from work. His friends are married, and he’s on a deserted social island for the first time in years. Hobbies don’t hold the same water, and there’s only so much more he can afford. Living a life of loneliness and maybe even depression, he needs some physical comfort as a salve. We’re all too lazy to go to a bar and strike up conversation (and yes, you’re swiping from the comfort of your own couch as well.) So OLD is his only provider of pleasure. OLD means constant exposure to females; a bevy of women with attractive pictures, often with the suggestion that dating = sex.  Relationships? Nah. He’s seen that horizon. And is walking backwards from it quietly.
• Sex is his stress reliever. His stress levels may be incredible. Divorce battles. Financial woes. A new life. He needs a salve. Everything else just plan… hurts. Sex is the ultimate escape. For him these days, the thought of being touched again becomes a mandate from mother nature.
• Men love screwing. This guy, like all guys, love to screw. He thinks about it all day, even when he’s not thinking, and when he thinks he’s not thinking. Sex has driven him since he was a teenage boy growing hair on his pubes. Remember the beach billboard scene in the 1976 movie “Jaws?” Richard Dreyfus argues to the Mayor of Amity about the nature of sharks. “All this machine does is swim. And eat. And make little sharks. And that’s all.” That, ladies, is men. Since the dawn of time, male animals have not been monogamous. And they have been horny. We haven’t changed much as Homo Sapiens.
• He’s a high libido male. HLMs, as they’re called, are just plain sexually driven. It’s their entire personality, and their reason for being. It’s not something turned off and on. They don’t get horny and then stop. They were born that way.
• He’s compensating. Could be a medical issue or a psychological issue; your guy isn’t known as a great performer in bed, and he’s aching to prove otherwise. He’s doing that to come off as a massive stud right off the bat. It’s likely he knows that he’s a disappointment in the sack, but needs to prove himself wrong.
• Enter: The Dating Apps. After the loneliness, the stress and the need for some touch, OLD becomes his necessary evil of singlehood. The apps bring a cornucopia of attractive women wearing skimpy lingerie, showing cleavage, making some sexy innuendo right to the palm of his (free) hand. On OLD, women have sadly been reduced to photos to swipe through— just in the way he’d page through an issue of Car & Driver.  To him, OLD has made women only useful for a dire, current need. Taking you apple picking have become second place to wanting to bend you over the couch arm after just a quick drink and an appetizer. Pair that with…
• The Instant Gratification Factor. Whatever we want in life its now accessible by clicking the “Buy Now” button. Your match wants things now, and doesn’t have much time for niceties anymore. (No one in the digital age does anymore.) Small talk? Takes too long. Why should he suffer the prospect of buying dinners and suffering the “Three Date Wait” just to have sex? Now he can summon up women on his phone just as easily as the search bar in Google.
• He’s using a “shot gun approach.” Your guy is using the plea for sex with tons of women— spraying the apps with a barrage of innuendo and proposals until he finds a winner offering easy sex.  It’s a numbers game to him, and you’re just one more possibility he’ll get a quick “yes” to sex.
• Online porn was his training ground. Your man may very well have a distinct advantage in aiding his libido. The internet has long enabled him to access the woman of his dreams getting pounded from the comfort of his own iPhone. Years of that, and now he’s been conditioned to act like a male porn star. He’s treating women likewise. Your value as a wonderful, intelligent woman has decreased. In his mind, online porn has made you a second fiddle to Mia Khalifa and Stormy Daniels. Now he’s hoping you’re going to compensate for that in the bedroom.
• He’s in his “Ho Phase.” Marriage: over. Dead bedroom: Thing of the past. Separation: complete. Time to sow some oats and re-invigorate that sexuality. Yes, the newly unleashed phase is one of the horniest phases of our adult lives. He is now free to roam the countryside, dick pic in hand, assuming every other women is ready to celebrate his newfound Singledom with him.
• He’s out of options on what to do with you. Being over 40, he’s probably not planning on getting “officially” married again, and he’s in the cheap people-buffet environment of OLD. So what exactly is he supposed to be looking for in you after he’s been burnt so many times? Looking for a best friend? Guys don’t need female friends. He’s going to pursue what fulfills his need.
• OLD dates have soured him. Women aren’t the only ones who experience bad dates. He’s been on a few, and now he’s as fed up as you are. Once upon a time he was a perfect gentleman, but got treated like crap. Women ghosted him. Were seeing multiple men. Being rude or insulting. For him, no more Mr. Nice Guy. He’s cutting straight to the chase about what he wants.
• It’s his answer to your unrealistic profile. Most women’s’ OLD profiles can be pretty indulgent. The majority talk only of what they like, and not what they can offer. Bios teem with mention of beaches, fine dining, tennis, horseback riding, trips to Paris, ski trips, etc. And they show it all. Pics of you in evening gowns, on the decks of fancy boats, traversing Europe or doing nightlife in the big city. Given his crappy position in life, how does he compete with that? How is he supposed to ask you out for coffee given that’s your lifestyle? You’ve cast yourself as officially Out Of His League. So he’s going to throw caution to the wind and offer up all he’s got (that you haven’t): His crotch.
• He doesn’t have many other outlets. Women could be satisfied with shopping, going to a salon, getting a spa treatment or a mani/pedi. Men like sex. Period. It’s his version of shoe shopping. Plus, all his friends are too busy to go fishing these days.
• You give him nothing else to work with. He matches with you on an app. Conversation begins. But when it comes to you letting him know how much interest you have in him, it’s crickets. He’s bored of the lame “How are you today?” on OLD messages, and he’s got nothing else exciting to chat with you about. He’s looking to liven up what could be a boring waste of time. Enter, the sex talk.
• He feels entitled. Today’s culture largely downplays the value of men. Your match has likely discovered he’s become a villain by default in modern society. Even though a new generation of men have grown up respectful and admirable of women, your match has been caught up in a same bias developed against men of prior generations. So now he’s pursuing sex primarily because he’s “owed something” from the female gender. In a subconscious fight for some recognition of his existence, he sees physical contact as the ultimate acknowledgment. (Or in grosser terms, a “conquest.”)
• You’re not offering anything else. A woman’s approach to dating can often be very self-centered. Laundry lists of what they like, want, and expect you to deliver on. Then the chats begin— and it’s more of “me, me, me.” He’s not exactly hearing a lot interest in him. So what else is there to do? What else is a horny (see above), lonely (see above) and porn-trained (see above) man going to talk to you about? Given the chance, he’s filling in that blank with his favorite answer: your body.
• He’s going for the gusto. You’re a stranger. In his world, you’ll likely reject him anyway. So why not take his biggest shot first— weed out all the Nervous Nellies and Pearl Clutchers and cast his net to catch the one who’s going to make hooking up easy?
• You’re just plain hot. You work out. You’re toned, shapely and flaunting a bod that can give a guy of any age instant wood. And this may be your profile: You in a bikini. You in a minidress. You in lingerie. Or you just plain flaunting great cleavage. With pics as all he has to judge you on, it’s a first impression that’s way too sexy for just innocent chat. In his mind, you’re immediately propelled to pinup/potential-porn star status. So he’s going to approach you accordingly.
• He’s not in your “world.” His ex has the kids. He’s alone. He’s no longer directly involved in the world of “Parenting.” No more bringing the kids to play dates. No more soccer games. With no one looking over his shoulder anymore, he’s discovered Bachelorhood in an era where “hookup culture” has people of all ages engaging in one-night stands, casual flings, and even kinks. You, however, have the house, kids, and maybe tight ties to the whole family. Your life is still basically the same. He’s been thrust into frat boy mode for the first time since his teens. And we know what that means.
• It’s how he’s brought up. Men of his generation were brought up with women objectified as pinups, sexy magazine spreads and bikini babes—and that’s before there was even online porn. Women were displayed pictorially for reasons of fantasy and sexual satisfaction. Enter the digital age: strange women —the Girl Next Door and not a professional model— is on his phone at a second’s notice. How is he conditioned to react? Guaranteed it won’t be with the same restraint as if he’s walking up to someone at a party or a bar.
• It’s your price of admission to his life. As a guy burnt by women in his past, you haven’t necessarily started out in great standing with him. He’s guarded, and he’s now expecting a woman to go above and beyond by showing some seriousness and sacrifice. Only then do you “deserve” to gain his trust. And in the male mind, nothing earns trust better than a woman who’ll accept his most direct and raunchy advances. In his crazy mind, submission equals trust.
• He’s on a mission of revenge. No more investing any feelings. He’s been there, done that, and gotten crushed. Maybe he’s been listening to too much Andrew Tate or reading No More Mr. Nice Guy. His mission: to now only pursue women for their bodies. You have no other value to him.

What’s a Woman to Do About It?

There is no silver bullet for changing men— especially while they hide behind the shield of dating apps. But if you see some potential in the guy —and you’re willing to brush off a little disappointment in his sex-too-soon approach—you can see if these techniques salvage a conversation gone awry.

Quickly snap him out of it. He’s started on a hypnotic march toward your panties.  Don’t send him a “Stop” sign. Instead, make it a clear “Caution: Danger Ahead.” A message such as, “Watch yourself now… not yet,” or, “You’re cool but I’m not into the naughty talk so soon.” Your strength may shock him into realizing there’s a real woman on the other side of his OLD chat, and he’d better show some respect, fast, or you’re gone. Likely result: he’ll either apologize and backtrack towards nicer conversation. If instead he shows his frustration, unmatch. You’ve dodged a bullet and you can bid him “adieu.”

Figure out where your goals meet. Indulge him, but only a tiny bit. “So, you’re looking for something quickly physical? Or an actual friend as well?” Keep drilling down the possibilities in your questions until you detect some honesty. With a lot of conversation, he may just reveal his complete hand of cards — either you’re a sex object to him, or he just used a misguided opener in search of a girlfriend.

Follow your mutual instincts. Maybe —just maybe— a sexy, sultry start to a companionship is the answer. Not for everyone, but there are myriad stories of people who met on a one-night-stand and stayed married for decades. Maybe the “Three Date Wait” rules aren’t as effective as people thought. If it feels good to you, do it. If you both want the same thing, no sense in stringing a guy along for several months to make sure he’s “committed.” Realize that one of the fastest ways of committing to someone is to feel the full ultimate bond.

Offer up some sense of security to him. Men are insecure, which is what leads them to think with their little heads. If you like him otherwise, see through it, and then make your interest in him apparent. Don’t play hard to get, and don’t play games. Provide some security in your potential commitment, and confidence in yourself. Bring his senses back up to his big head. He can’t do it alone.

For the bold:  Disarm his machismo from Minute One. Be the “man” in this scenario and hit on him in the way he’s hit on you. Come on strong (but not obscene.) You might be surprised at the response… like a vicious dog rolling on his back in submission for a belly rub.  He may not have to break out the offensive weapon of sexy language.

Remember, at the end of the day, there is always the “block” button for you to use.

If you take away one thing, take this: You are not the only woman getting the sexy talk. Boys will be boys, and they’ll be obnoxious on dating apps.

As Kevin Bacon said in A Few Good Men, “These are the facts of the case. And they are undisputed.”

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